A letter of an ex-lover

Dear Ex,

Why do you keep on bothering me? Yes! You’ve been bothering me. Well, I am over you. I junk you remember? Yes! I did that to you! Why wouldn’t I do that? You weren’t  there when I needed you the most. You weren’t there when I wanted to talk about us. You weren’t there! Every time I see those lovely couples holding their hands and smiling, I couldn’t do anything but to be jealous and asked: why do you have to be there and me here? Why do you have to be away from me? Why do I have to suffer from the pain of a long distance relationship? Why?!

That’s why I broke up with you.

So, pathetic! I’m pathetic. I am over you, about many years ago?  months ago? I can’t remember. But, I am over you. Yeah! I thought I was… but I guess I’m not. Seeing you again after so long and seeing you happy made me remember the man I once loved.

I miss you so badly.

I was too immature. I was too selfish. I was too childish. And now, I have to suffer from my own mistake – mistake of giving up on you that easily. I wish second chance would come across our lives and start all over again. But, that’s too impossible now. Because you are happy now… without me.

This isn’t easy. I could still remember the day I learn about you loving me. You didn’t confess because you were worried about the friendship that we had. You waited for me for almost a year till I am ready to be your girl. I say ‘yes’ to you because I already love you just before I knew you love me too.

What I did to you is my greatest nightmare. I guess I just have to start moving on again so that I could finally let you go.

Still loving you,

Your ex

Because You Love Me

When you were a kid…

“Mom, when I grow up I will take care of you.”

“Thank you, my angel.”

When you were a teenager…

“Mom! will you stop it. You’re embarrassing me”

“I though it would help you. I’m sorry my child.”

When you were studying…

“Mom! I’m tired. I need to take a rest.”

“Yes. Take a rest my child. I will do it myself.”

Now that you are miles away from her…

“Mom, I miss you so much.”

“I miss you more, my angel.”

When was the last time you do good for your mother? As a child, we are busy driving our lives that we seldom remember the woman who did nothing but to love us. We seldom made plans with her. We seldom acknowledged her in times of our accomplishments. But she? There’s no second that she never thought of us. How are we doing? Are we good? Did we eat our lunch? She even go to the mall to buy new clothes not for herself but for us.

I remember the time when our family status was in a very bad condition – my father was kicked on his job, my mother couldn’t find a job either. We had nothing left even a single penny. My mother went at the backyard and harvest potato sprout for us to have a lunch.

Since we hadn’t taken our breakfast, all of us were starving. My brother wanted to eat more of potato sprout but there’s nothing left in the table. My mother said she was full and gave what she had to my brother. I was in tears after realizing that my mother hadn’t eaten anything yet. That afternoon, I can feel that she was so starving but she didn’t said single word about it.  She went to her room. I followed her. But just before I open the door, I heard her crying. I hate her when she hides the pain she feels. My heart was breaking. Then, I realized that I was too busy driving my own life that I forgotten that she was never been busy for us. I was so selfish and rude! But, she is always selfless and kind.

From that very moment, I promised myself to love her in every day of my life.

***

We hate it when our mother nags us. We hate it when our mother over reacts in front of our friends. We hate it when our mother interfere our privacy. We hate it when our mother do not let us attend the party. But, have you loved your mother for taking you in her womb for nine months? Have you loved your mother for taking care of you everyday? Have you loved your mother for preparing your breakfast, lunch and dinner? Have you loved your mother for giving you a birthday blast when you were seven? Have you loved your mother for sacrificing her own happiness for your own happiness? Have you loved you mother for working 24/7 for your school allowance that you will just spend for nothing? Have you loved your mother  for loving you? Think about it.

Rocky Road of Friendship

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How funny is this old photograph as I reminisce the day I first saw him.

First Stop:

I was knew at the school like every other freshmen students. I often hang-out with the girls. And him? I really don’t know where he is at those time because he is NOT a good-looking guy that you can have a crush on forever (peace man. v). I don’t bother making friends with others because I am not running for Ms. Friendship and I am NOT a friendly type of person!

The Encounter:

After several days of spending our time in school, I still having problem in recognizing the names of my classmates. (Indeed! I am not good at memorization! So what? Do you have any problem with that?!) Well, as I was saying I’m having problem in recognizing the names of my not so good-looking classmates (I’m just kidding! 🙂 ). But, he is just annoying in a positive way that he made a lot of friends. But, he didn’t make friends with me. He was intimidated by my beauty, I guess? Maybe yes, because someone said that he is a gay and told me that his name is LEO CATALINO. And I said “OKAY, Should I care?”

Next Stop: 

Sophomore years came. Everything was almost great and pleasing until we recognized that he wasn’t there. Nobody knows where he was. Most of us thought that he was just enjoying the last minute of vacation. But days, weeks, months had passed but no Leo was seen. He missed the whole semester and the whole class missed him even I.

Bump Cars:

Juniors were in our way when we saw him at the administration building lining up with some students for the semester. Everybody was great to see him. WE are great to see him back with his school uniform. After few days, I surprisingly encouraged him to be part of school paper org. I saw a young man with full potential of being an artist. He has a great hand that you can count on on paintings and illustrations. Our editors screen every applicants including him. I had a great faith on him that he can pass the screening test and he did! From then on, we treated each others as friends. No! I treated him like my brother. I never thought that I will be given a privilege to know a person like him- so jolly, so bliss. Now I know the answer to my own question: “OKAY, Should I care?”. Yes. I care for a person named Leo Catalino.

End of the Road:

I had a fun time with him. I couldn’t even recall the exact scenario nor the exact day that we became close friends. But, one thing is for sure; I wouldn’t forget a named Leo who became my friend. Though graduation day is near for every senior college, our friendship will just continue to be enjoyed by the both parties – by the bitch (me) and by the annoying (him)…. 🙂

Longing for a Brother’s Love

Since I was a kid, I always long for a brother’s love. I wanted to know him. I wanted to be with him.

In my 14 years of existence, I never dreamed for everything except to see my brother. Until one day, my aunt told me about her communication with my half-brother. I reached out to him and eventually got a chance to have a little chat. I was really happy about the idea of getting to know him even just through facebook. Until then, I never lose hope that someday, somehow, we will be able to see each other. He wanted to see me too. He wanted to see our father.

He haven’t seen our father since he is with us from the very beginning of his marriage to my mother. Since I was a kid, my father always tell the same old story about my brother. He always tells us that he is a smart guy with a pure heart in which my mother always agrees. Whenever my father tells this, I always feel a mixed emotion. I am happy because I know my father is really proud of him and because my mother, in spite of the fact that he is not a legit son, she loves him just the same as her children. On the other hand, I can’t help it but to be sad because I know how much painful it is for my father not to have his son for a very long time. I know how much he longs for my brother’s hug and I know how much he wanted to help him whenever he has a problem. But, he just can’t. Because, he is miles away from him. I promise myself to find him so that my father and him could have a great bonding together and my father would have another story to tell.

After quite dramatic way of life, I left my family for my education. Just like my brother, I am miles away from them. Now, I feel how he feels not to have our father in our side. It feels horrible! I always missed them every now and then. I always cry at night and I am wandering how are they doing since our communication is unstable.

After two years of unstable communication with my family as well as to my brother, I received a message from him saying that he wanted to go home and see our father. It feels great! like it was the greatest day of my life. I excitedly called my father and told him about the news. I felt my father excited and happy over the phone. He kept on asking when. And, I felt some emotion that I can’t explain but it feels good! It’s like a dream come true for me and for my father. I could hardly explain how happy I am to see their photograph on facebook and see how wide they smile in front of the camera. It’s a picture of a happy family. However, without me. I felt that fate is playing fools with me. Yes! I wanted him and my father to have a grand reunion but I wanted to be there as well. Can’t I see my brother? Can’t I even have a little time with him? That’s so unfair!

I can’t do anything about it. I guess I just have to be happy for all of them. So, I did. Vacation came and I decided to spent my entire vacation on my aunt house in Manila. I had a chance to know more of my cousins and had a bonding time with them.

As what many people say: Everything has a right place at the right time. He was there looking for me. Yes! my brother. How I wish for that very moment to come! How I wish for that embrace! How I wish for that little chitchat! It’s almost perfect but he has to  bid goodbye. He still have some work to do. My father is so right! He is so amazing! I imagine our family spending time together with him. It feels so perfect!

But I guess, there is no such thing as perfect! It’s just a word, an idea. I just imagine things to be perfect but the truth: He has his own world now. And we are not part of it. But, no. I guess all i’m trying to say is: I am tired to show the world how much I love him and how much I wanted to be with him because he has is own family to love and own world to live. I am tired of waiting to be recognized by him. I am tired of seeing his old photographs tagging other people HIS FAMILY. When would be the time he would call us as HIS FAMILY?